36 hours till my life falls apart...again




Tomorrow night at 10:47 will mark the exact time. It will be four years since our world crumbled and it just hasn't gotten any easier. Should it? We watched her diteriorate before our eyes. One year after finding out that she was sick at all, she left us to figure out this world on our own. We were all young - the oldest just 21 and the youngest 14. And me in the middle - newly wed and pregnant. My child was the reason I could pick myself up and live day by day. He became the very breath of my life. I could find no other joy and so clung to him in an almost unnatural way. Every day was like living someone else's life; like watching the worst part of a movie in slow motion over and over. When I spoke it was like hearing someone else's voice, and when I slept the dreams came. So I stopped sleeping. I let everything go. Everything that had mattered to me began to slip away; except my baby. I couldn't tell you where my father was. I couldn't tell you where my brothers were. I longed to be close to them, to cry together until the tears could not come anymore. And at the same time I resented the reminder they brought with them. And so I hid behind my son. It was like the tighter I held him, the safer I felt; the more sure I was that he wouldn't leave me. It wasn't until someone I loved found himself in a worse situation than me that I really looked away from myself and began to heal. In my grief I realized that he needed me more than anything and I felt strong again. I began to pick up the pieces of my life. And I began trying to help him find the pieces of his.
These 4 years after our loss have been the very beginnings of finding ourselves. Finding how to move on after hitting rock bottom. Figuring out who we want to be and how we become that without her love and support. Finding our place in a world without her. Looking for her life in every corner of ours. And finding it!
We miss you mom and we always will.