The Catholic Funeral

My grandparents on both sides are as Catholic as the Pope himself. I honestly don't know much about it, but I do know that my grandpa loved the Lord with all his heart. And made fun of his own religion. He used to cross himself and say "All you people" (with the up and down hand motion) "get off the grass!" (with the side to side motion). That being said, I must now relate to you the ins and outs of the Catholic funeral.
There is always a viewing. I had to read a short essay once, back in my freshman year of college, about the specific preparations a body undergoes to be laid out for a viewing. The reality is that death is ugly. But no one wants to look at a lost loved one covered in "death." So out comes the makeup. Layer upon layer of foundation, rouge, and faint lip color. Hair gel, skin toner and on and on...And then the inevitable comment comes from one in the family seeking to comfort themselves in the knowledge that their loved one has gone to a better place; "He's smiling, you see? He has a look of peace." When I hear this I feel a rush of peace myself - and then the truth of what has happened to a body's face before a viewing hits me like a ton of bricks. If I hadn't been required to read that essay I would be better off today. In light of that last comment I leave you to learn about it yourself if curiosity overcomes you!
There is always a wake. The body is placed where everyone attending will be able to see. And the prayers begin. I never knew how important prayers beads really are. If the priests leading the wake would have lost count of all the Hail Marys he was leading us in, an awkward and disastrous silence would have overcome the room. There are four points of scripture to speaks on following a death and 10 Hail Marys after each point. Followed by an Our Father and a Benediction. Totaling 40 Hail Marys (enough to last a lifetime of sin) and numerous Our Fathers and other recited prayers. I did my best to join in, congratulating myself all the while on my ability to foresee the dangers of bringing my 2 and 4 year old to such an event.
And finally there is always a Mass. The body is shut in the casket and rolled along the floor of the church as the father shakes Holy Water over the box. There are songs, a short sermon on death and the one lost, and a communion. Everything is very solemn and every head bowed in reverence. The Father opened with a Benediction. And this is where I pause to ask how many of you have seen the Princess Bride? If so you will thoroughly appreciate what I am about to tell you. If you haven't seen it rent it TODAY and enjoy! The Father opened with "We awe gawered hewe today to wemember Pauw..." I stifled a snorting laugh and leaned over to my brother. "Mawaige!" He jabbed me in the ribs. I endured an hour and a half without so much as a giggle and felt as though I was meeting someone famous as I shook his hand. Later as my Uncle and Aunt and cousins all piled into our van someone said "I feel bad cause I didn't understand half of what that guy was saying!" I laughed out loud and boomed "MAWAIGE!" There was a thundering roar of laughter and the silence of sadness was broken. We will miss you grandpa. You were the one to teach us to find humor in all things and I bet you were rolling in your grave right along with us! May you "west" in peace!