Party Girl?

Juli and I drove Ben to Vacation Bible School for the third morning this week. It is loud enough in the car with the three of them (my two and the one I watch) so I usually do not put the radio on.
But after we left Ben the girls needed a morning pick-me-up song. The radio was on 105.1 the MIX station - some really slow kill-me-now song.
Juli said "don't like dat song mom!" And when I wasn't fast enough to change it she shouted "DON"T WANT DAT SONG!"
Next was 106.7 the hottest new hits station.
This time all she said was "NO!"
I flipped to 105.9 the rock station - it was a morning talk show.
A unanimous "No!"
Popped over to 88.3 the Christian station.
Again "Nooooo...!"
Our last stop was 95.3 - your station for Hip-hop and R&B - party music - booty shakin and baby arms flailing Juli yells "Yea...I want dis!"
Is my need for pick-me-up and get-me-going music rubbing off on my daughter?
Why yes...yes it is! And what a memory it makes to shake it across the floor with a vacuum while my little girl dances right along side me!
(Just gotta watch out for the songs with explicit language...a few days ago in the car with mommy and auntie, Juli mimicked a few choice words. Not the really bad ones, but hearing "stupid" and "crap" come out of your two year old's mouth makes you freeze in your tracks! We replaced those few words with "super" and "duper!" Which came out "tuper tuper" and had us all in a fit of giggles)!

AND ONE LAST FART FOR GOOD MEASURE!

Thank you all for your support as I rage against the troll...who, if you hadn't noticed, came back for more and will no doubt be here again!
I wish you all your very own troll if for no other reason than to have a little excitement of your own!
And just for good measure I would like to share one more hilarious video!

HNT~ Houston, We Have A Problem






Why I love My Troll, a lesson in humanity

To catch all of my visitors up to speed, I have acquired a troll, no really, little ole me! I'm quite flattered; you know you are someone in the blog world when people start flinging poo your way. Oh but wait, this troll would probably fling lysol or gas-x my way. I live by a writers creed, write what you know. With 2 small children and a husband one thing I know VERY well is farts... and poop... and boogers.. and well you get the idea. In my quest to uphold truth the Fart Police have come a knockin. You can check out their snarkiness in my comments for this post HERE or HERE.
In honor of my troll I have taken a cue from Osbasso and Fidget and created a movie discussing the reality of the situation. For your own safety I recommend abstaining from food and or drink while viewing this film. Additionally some colorful language and bodily functions are utilized, please read silently so as not to warp young minds.

Without further adieu Me and My Groupies Theater proudly presents Fart Police

CAUTION! more bodily function stories CAUTION!

If you are one of those squeamish types or even just the type to be disgusted by burping, flatulence and the drippy, yellow noses, then please skip down to my kitty cat post for a cutesy laugh!
If, however, you are a nurse or a mother or a realist, than read on!

I was putting my little Juli to bed a few nights ago. I always lay down with her to tell a story and sing a song. So I snuggled under the covers and cradled her in the crook of my arm. She seemed like she had nestled in, so within the protective wall of sheets, I let one rip!
Now come on...everyone farts! If we didn't there would be infinite more cases of HIC - Hominal Internal Combustion.
And every pregnant woman, no matter how plushly attired and well groomed, farts when she thinks no one can hear. At least I didn't toot until any aroma would be trapped beneath the sheets.
My plan had one tiny flaw...Juli wasn't comfortable. She readjusted herself and the covers with her.
About 6 years ago when I began sharing my bed with a man, I figured out that being oblivious to the smell of your own flatulence was not just a theory. In fact it is now proven by married women across the globe!
Needless to say, I was not tainted by any smell my toot must have produced. But little Juli, being the naive little angel that she is, spoke up:
"I tmell someting!"
I giggled "Does it smell yucky?"
"Yea! Tmells like poops!"
Now I am really laughing! And wafting the covers in an attempt to breathe fresh air!
"Mommy has a tooty booty!" We say that one thanks to Fidget!
Juli very seriously said "Tomorrow (which means yesterday) I had a tooty booty!"
Through my laughter I apologized, "Yeah - I'm sorry Juli - Mommy won't tooty anymore!" A moment of silence as she considered this promise.
Then she said, with a tinge of resentment
"It's not funny!"

My husband was putting my son to bed the next night and encountered the same dilemma: Let it out or internally combust. I doubt he thought about it for more than a millisecond, being the champion cheese cutter that he is (aren't they all?). Except his tooty booty was very audible (nothing of aroma was mentioned).
Ben said "What was that sound?"
DH played dumb, "What sound?"
"It went thhhhhhlllllpppp" proceeding to make a raspberry sound with his tongue.
Laughing, the hubster anonymously replied, "It was a toot!"
Again, a moment of silence. "Was it mine or yours?"

HURRICANE SEASON IS HERE!
This is my backyard! And Alberto is NOT even a hurricane! We've been fairly warned!

HOW TO BATHE CATS?



Yes, I'm with you. Cats shouldn't have to have baths or have to need baths. Alas mine fits both criteria. Ragdolls are supposed to not shed so much, but I have found that if I don't brush her every day then what I get is balls of cat hair blowing around the corners of my home. Even the dog can't compete.
So, how do you bathe a cat? I never suspected I would have to, so I never bothered to learn. Although I do seem to remember something like this:

The 12 Step Cat Washing Program
1: First, thoroughly clean the toilet, remove the topmost lid covering the tank of water, and turn off the cold-water hose to the toilet.
2: Next, warm up 4 gallons of water to bath temperature. Flush, and add half the water to the tank.
3: Then, raise both lids, add the rest of the water directly to the toilet bowl, and add an ample amount of shampoo to the water.
4: Find a ball of string and entice the cat into the bathroom.
5: Close the bathroom door, and continue petting the cat.
6: In one swift move, pick up the cat, and drop the cat into the toilet bowl, closing both lids.
7: Jump on top of the toilet lid to prevent the cat from escaping.
8: CAUTION: Avoid placing any of your body parts near the edge of the toilet to avoid flailing claws reaching between the toilet and lid.
9: The cat will self-agitate and generate ample sudsing action. (Ignore ruckus from inside toilet, cat is enjoying this.)
10: Flush the toilet twice for a quick rinse or 4 times for an effective power rinse cycle, depending on the cat's fur cleaning needs.
11: Clear a path of open doors from the toilet to outside, and then jump off of the lid. CAUTION: Jump away from the bathroom door.
12: The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet to the outside. Air dry time: about 20 minutes.

This really sounds like the most efficient and pain free method of cat bathing, because the only piece of advice I have gotten so far about washing kitties is
"Be sure to wear rubber gloves so you don't have the entire first layer of arm flesh slowly ripped off!"

The stuff fairytales are made of!

(Long winded but oh so good)
When I was pregnant with my son 5 years ago, I blew up like a balloon. No matter how much water I drank, my body retained fluid like there was about to be a worldwide drought! My feet no longer fit into my tennis shoes, my face looked like a chipmunks and my hands were also tortured by swelling. I had to put my wedding rings away. It was a sad day. I waited months after I had Ben to try them on again. They still did not fit. I assumed I was permanently bigger and had them resized. They fit until I got pregnant again so I put them away and wore a different ring. Not a wedding ring but it was something to put on that finger. We came to call it my "fat ring."
After Juli I began to loose immense amounts of weight. And the rings were too big! But I was not about to resize them. I wore them a lot, but I also took them off a lot; some days they were so loose if I shook my hand they would come flying off. So in the shower and at bed time and during laundry and housework I would take them off; remembering always to wear them when I would leave. On day I misplaced them. Not a big shocker since they came off and on all day long. The were gone for months and I began to wonder if I would ever see them again. I couldn't believe that I had been so careless with them, so chose instead to believe that I had put them somewhere safe and forgot where. Turns out I was right! I found them months later down in the zipper pocket of an old diaper bag! I put them on right away and swore to be more careful. I guess I should have just shelled out the money to have them sized, because within a year they were gone again. This time I didn't worry much. They would turn up. I had proven myself responsible with them before, putting them safely in that old zipper pocket. After about 3 months when they didn't turn up on their own, I began searching. And searching...and searching. Nothing. At 4 months I began to worry and at 6 months I began to cry. About that same time a close friend of mine also lost her rings. She called and we fretted together. It helped me not feel so terrible, knowing that I wasn't the only horrible wife on the planet. Except as soon as her husband found out a week after her bands turned up missing, her took her straight to the jeweler and proceeded to replace them. Back to being alone and sad! We had no money to replace mines. And even if we had, I could not have gotten anything nearly as unique and special as my original set. Not only was the engagement a "one of a kind" but I designed the wedding band to go with it!
I tried to keep my hopes up thinking that the rings were sure to show up when we moved. But nothing...my SIL came to the rescue.
On New Years Eve (after asking my DH) my SIL "proposed" with a beautiful vintage wedding ring! At least to wear till we could replace my other ones, or buy it off her. But if I bought it off her I would still have to get a wedding band if I wanted a set. Her ring fit perfectly and looked totally BLING! But I was still sad over mine...they were irreplaceable and even engraved to match my husband's.
Before were sell our old house my husband is fixing it up. Painting and flooring and yard work was what I expected. But with the help of our friends he is replacing EVERYTHING with the promise that it will make us significantly more money when we sell. So the bathroom sink was ripped out! Along with the tub and the toilet and the cabinets and the stove!
In the bathroom some pipes had to be replaced. When they were pulled what should come tumbling out but my wedding band! John was shocked! And excited! But where was the engagement band? No doubt they had gone down together, but it wasn't there. There was one more pipe in the wall. It didn't need to be replaced but how could he NOT check. He ripped it out. Grit and grime and lots of nasty hair ball...AND ONE BEAUTIFUL ENGAGEMENT RING! He brought them home to me all black and caked with slime. They are not missing any diamonds and in need of nothing more than a good cleaning and polishing. To me they have NEVER looked more beautiful!
And they fit...for now anyway!

WHERE'S YOUR BABY?

Seaworld is our favorite weekend family place to go. We have passes so we go a lot. But summer is the worst! It really wasn't that hot today, but cram 3000 sweaty bodies together in a stadium to catch a splash from Shamu, and the temperature reaches a degree that makes you want to keel over! We go anyway. When the kids scream with excitement even though it's their 30th time there, you just can't say no!
So, we headed out this morning for some steamy fun! In the car the kids are restless. Juli says "I wanna dwive!" And she's very serious. Then she says "I don't wan a deatbelt! I wanna a duce and bobby!" Mommy grits her teeth. "We'll be there soon honey!" It's quiet for a minute. Then out of blue Ben says "I got a baby in me too mom!" I turn around. He's slumped low in his seat with his little belly so swollen with air he looked as though he was gonna burst. I cracked up! "Oh my! You do! Is it a girl or a boy?"
"We don't know yet."

HOW DOES YOUR GARDEN GROW?



This spring we planted a garden. Twice a year our church plows under the community garden area and splits it up into rows for anyone who wishes to garden. We've done so before but this time it was with the intent of sharing the joy of growing with our 2 year old and 4 year old; Good ages to be transfixed by seeds and blossoms and fruit!
But we only had half of our veggies even grow to maturity. Our carrots never even showed their fuzzy heads and our squash never got bigger than a...well something too small to think of.
We have snow peas but didn't stake them so they don't produce too many (that is really ok - we had just enough to enjoy). And we have tomatoes..lots and lots of tomatoes! We have been enjoying them very much. Just enough of them are ripe at the same time to get to eat them without watching them go bad. And the kids actually tried the tomatoes since they participated with us in planting them. But how many kids really like tomatoes anyway. I was proud of them for trying.
Three nights ago at 9:36pm the phone rang. It startled me. No one but family calls that late at night (hey, my kids are in bed by 8 so 9:30 is late for me).
I raced to the phone. Someone from our church?

"Hello?"
"Yes hi Robyn - I just wanted to know if you guys were planning on picking the tomatoes from your garden any time soon?"
"uhhh..."
"Well it's just that so many of them are ready - in fact I picked a few to take with me cause they were so ready. I hope you don't mind."
"No, we really have plenty tomatoes to go around. I guess will be out there tomorrow to pick some since they are ready. Thanks for letting me know."

Ok - weird right? Someone is keeping an eye on our garden for us? That's not too surprising since it is a community garden. But did they have to call at 9:30 to tell me about my tomatoes? I figured there must be a bushel of them ready to eat. So, dutifully I went the next evening to pick at our crop. This is what I found:



I don't know about you but I like my tomatoes orange or just turning red before I pick them so that they ripen nicely and taste the best. Needless to say I was frustrated. I picked 4 nearly orange fruits to show my husband how "ready" they were and to laugh about it together. They ripened nicely and await my next turkey sandwich.
After my breakfast this morning I began my laundry chore. My SIL informed me "There's someone at the door." Oh brother. Last night someone stopped by to sell me a "free" carwash. And the Bible thumpers (their intentions are good) are regulars in this neighborhood.
But no! It was a visitor from my church.
"Good morning!" I attempted my friendliest as I noticed she was bringing me sunflowers and three grocery bags full of...something.
"I brought you your tomatoes!"
WTF?!
"Oh..."
"We picked them all for you this morning."
I peer into the bags.



No surprise. They are all green and yellow. My insides seething I also began to realize that the beautiful sunflowers she had for me were in fact FROM MY GARDEN as well!
"Thank you" I said. "I was going to pick them on Sunday to give them more time to ripen up."
"Well, when they turn red the bugs get them."
"ok, I guess I can set them out on my porch. Thank you."
I think I growled as I shut the door of my house. And then the movie Fried Green Tomatoes popped into my mind. "Maybe that's what we'll have for dinner," I sarcastically thought to myself. "And I can serve GROUND HUMAN STEAK to go with them!"
(for those of you who haven't seen the movie - there is a little resteraunt famous for their fried green tomatoes - a murder is committed and the body is ground up into steaks and served to the murder investigators who have come to town looking for the killer)

VOTE FOR FIDGET THIS HNT!

Writers block means break out the camera! My Juli has become quite the dancer and though she is so much crazier if she doesn't know the camera is on her, I can't seem to catch her impromptu!
Can anyone tell me why the sound won't come through?


Get this video and more at MySpace.com

DANCE EVOLUTION!
I have creative writers block this morning. I think I watched too many Google Videos last night! And no drinks to lighten the load...sad. But I did find this
I know it's long, but you will laugh all the way through. This guy is awesome! I'd like to join him on stage (but that too would take a few drinks). And he dances to every great song you can think of from Elvis to Eminem and everything in between!

Where toots come from
I really wish I had the artistic ability to draw a graph for you to go along with this story. But as it is you will have to imagine my hand motions and my stifled giggles!
It started when Ben came crashing into me as I was resting on the couch. The pink pill is a life saver but it's messing with my insides so bad! It is a 3 dose antibiotic which means there is so much antibiotic crammed into three little pills it just keeps going and going for 7 days! Thus reeking havoc on my intestines.
Anyhoo...Ben comes crashing into me showing off his newest Sporticus trick. After a pause and the sought for "super cool dude" Ben sat next to the window with his thinking face on.


"Mom, how come Sporticus doesn't ever toot?"
I wasn't sure I had heard him right. "Toot? Like tooty booty?"
"yeah"
"Well...I suppose he does - they just don't want to show it on tv."
"How come?"
"Cause farting is not socially acceptable. Meaning people don't want to hear or smell toots cause it's not good manners."

Pause - another thoughtful look but this time with a hint of a smile.
"How do we toot?"
"We toot when air comes out of our butts."
"But why does it make a sound?"
"It doesn't always, if it's just a little air it doesn't make a sound."
"But if it's A LOT it's loud!"
"Right."
"But why?"
Ok-I tried my best to gracefully explain the toot. And it didn't satisfy. So out came the hand gestures. This is where it gets good...hopefully you have stuck with me for this moment! It really highlighted my day.
"Ok Ben look," holding up my hand, fingers in a small circle. "This is how big the hole in your bottom is right?"
Head nod - alright he's with me.
"Well sometimes the air that's trapped is THIS big," holding up my hand in a giant circle.
Eyes wide - guess he's still with me!
"And when the air comes out it all comes out at once really fast." Now I am forcing the giant circle through the smaller circle. "and then you go BAAARRRROOOOMMMMMFFFFFFFF!"
As if the whole thing had been a big set up, Ben began laughing so hard the tears came! And we lost half of his body off the side of couch!
"Do that again mom! Show me again!"
And that is how I explained this most smelly bodily function to my son. Thank God he hasn't asked how his baby brother or sister is going to come out!
And if you enjoyed the "no farting" sign hop over to where I got it!